i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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