Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
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I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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