She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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