No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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