i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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