3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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