I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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