The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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