just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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