this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Congratulations! We have a period
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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