I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize