he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
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NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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