guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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