i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
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Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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