We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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