you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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