I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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