I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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