I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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