my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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