I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
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I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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