I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
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I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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