Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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