I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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