If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
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I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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