The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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