It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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