No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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