i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
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I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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