if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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