thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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