I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
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The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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