If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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