she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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