Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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