tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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