If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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