your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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