he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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