dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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