Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
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We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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