Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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