My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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