i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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