btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
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Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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