Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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