Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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