....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize