Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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