I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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